(Deadspin) By Drew Magary – Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers.
1. I hate you. We’ve gotten a great deal of angry feedback for these previews, all of it highly amusing. A lot of hate mail I get usually features the reader calling me gay and then saying, “You must be a BUTTHURT fan of [insert rival team of the reader here].” And that hasn’t been true, until now.
Now, we get to the Packers, and so I will begin this preview by telling you that I am a Vikings fan, and that I do have it in for your team because I fucking hate them, much more so than the Lions or Bears. I’m completely, horribly biased against you. This post comes from a place of genuine hostility, and I want you to know that in advance.
I loathe the Packers. I hate their fucking perfect little organization in their fucking perfect little town with their fucking perfect little stadium with every announcer telling me what a fucking perfect little place Green Bay is for football. Say the word “Packers” to John Madden and he’ll close his eyes and have a nine-minute soundless orgasm. It’s repulsive. Chris Berman still thinks doing his Facenda voice and saying “FROZEN TUNDRA” is funny. It’s not. It’s pathetic.
Packers fans are the Trekkies of the NFL. Fat. Slovenly. Unjustifiably arrogant. When you celebrate the Packers, you’re celebrating a group of people who never had the intellect or courage to leave Green Bay and actually go DO something with their lives. You’re celebrating the likes of Vince Lombardi, who was Nick Saban with bad teeth—a precursor to the modern, powermad, dumbfuck football coaches of today. You’re celebrating a group of people who lack the self-awareness to know just what it means to walk around with a cheese block on your head. Do you know how stupid that looks? Do you have ANY self-respect? I went to Milwaukee earlier this year and virtually every Milwaukee resident I met DESPISED the Packers fans from Green Bay, because they didn’t want their state represented by a group of fat disgusting mouthbreathing rednecks.
And yes, I am jealous. My team never wins jack shit, and somehow the football Gods smile upon THESE idiots? Ridiculous. The fact that Packers fans are allowed to be happy is proof that God doesn’t exist and that this universe is a cold, black, random place that cares little for the travails of mankind.
2. Learn to catch the ball, jackasses. I didn’t realize that the Packers imported all of their pass-catching skills from Seattle. Jermichael Finley’s hands are even worse than his first name. There’s no reason this team won’t go 15-1 again and then get its shit owned in the divisional round because dropherpes has infested the roster. All it takes is one bad Finley drop for the rest of this offense to follow suit. Perhaps you fellows should stop doing the Lambeau Leap. You’re getting sausage grease smeared all over you.
Remember: This team can’t run the ball at all, and the offensive line is worse than it was last year (center Scott Wells has been replaced with the empty husk of Jeff Saturday). Cedric Benson is here now to get 2.5 yards a carry and cause Aaron Rodgers to mutter “fuck it” under his breath by the end of the first quarter. The Packers’ entire game strategy is to pass 70 times and hope the other team plays defense just a hair more atrociously than they do. Speaking of which …
3. The defense is horrible. Peter King says they lead the league in ponytails. There’s nothing here to indicate that this defense will be any better than it was last year. Charles Woodson is another year older. Dom Capers still has the worst combover in sports. And A.J. Hawk should go back to his day job of being personal security guard to Lee Donowitz in True Romance. People like Cris Collinsworth excuse this defense all the time by saying stuff like: “Well, this offense is just so good! When your offense is this good, your defense has no choice but to surrender 700 yards a game!” Wrong. No. People love to overrate shitty defenses on teams with great offenses. It baffles me to no end.
4. Remember: One concussion is all it takes. All it takes is one rabid d-lineman to toss Saturday aside, grab Aaron Rodgers’s fragile little head, and plant it down into the Earth’s inner core. That’s all it takes for this team to become worthless. Rodgers will retreat into a world of shadow and fog, never again able to clear the cobwebs from his diseased mind. He’ll spend weeks and weeks on the PUP list, with people asking when he’ll come back, and only a handful of people will know the truth: that he’s NEVER coming back, and that the Packers are about to sink into a second, prolonged Infante Age. You fatties deserve it.
Fuck you Green Bay. Grow up.