Archive for August, 2012

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaau. This should brighten your Monday. The person who came up with this gameshow idea knew exactly what he was doing. I have the weirdest boner right now. That last blonde at the end was an absolute smoke. The fuckin’ French man, they do gameshows right. We need a game like this in every college town bar in the U.S.

PS – I would pay thousands to be that tube they’re climbing across.

ello you

– Kinger

(Deadspin) By Drew Magary – Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers.

1. I hate you. We’ve gotten a great deal of angry feedback for these previews, all of it highly amusing. A lot of hate mail I get usually features the reader calling me gay and then saying, “You must be a BUTTHURT fan of [insert rival team of the reader here].” And that hasn’t been true, until now.

Now, we get to the Packers, and so I will begin this preview by telling you that I am a Vikings fan, and that I do have it in for your team because I fucking hate them, much more so than the Lions or Bears. I’m completely, horribly biased against you. This post comes from a place of genuine hostility, and I want you to know that in advance.

I loathe the Packers. I hate their fucking perfect little organization in their fucking perfect little town with their fucking perfect little stadium with every announcer telling me what a fucking perfect little place Green Bay is for football. Say the word “Packers” to John Madden and he’ll close his eyes and have a nine-minute soundless orgasm. It’s repulsive. Chris Berman still thinks doing his Facenda voice and saying “FROZEN TUNDRA” is funny. It’s not. It’s pathetic.

Packers fans are the Trekkies of the NFL. Fat. Slovenly. Unjustifiably arrogant. When you celebrate the Packers, you’re celebrating a group of people who never had the intellect or courage to leave Green Bay and actually go DO something with their lives. You’re celebrating the likes of Vince Lombardi, who was Nick Saban with bad teeth—a precursor to the modern, powermad, dumbfuck football coaches of today. You’re celebrating a group of people who lack the self-awareness to know just what it means to walk around with a cheese block on your head. Do you know how stupid that looks? Do you have ANY self-respect? I went to Milwaukee earlier this year and virtually every Milwaukee resident I met DESPISED the Packers fans from Green Bay, because they didn’t want their state represented by a group of fat disgusting mouthbreathing rednecks.

And yes, I am jealous. My team never wins jack shit, and somehow the football Gods smile upon THESE idiots? Ridiculous. The fact that Packers fans are allowed to be happy is proof that God doesn’t exist and that this universe is a cold, black, random place that cares little for the travails of mankind.

2. Learn to catch the ball, jackasses. I didn’t realize that the Packers imported all of their pass-catching skills from Seattle. Jermichael Finley’s hands are even worse than his first name. There’s no reason this team won’t go 15-1 again and then get its shit owned in the divisional round because dropherpes has infested the roster. All it takes is one bad Finley drop for the rest of this offense to follow suit. Perhaps you fellows should stop doing the Lambeau Leap. You’re getting sausage grease smeared all over you.

Remember: This team can’t run the ball at all, and the offensive line is worse than it was last year (center Scott Wells has been replaced with the empty husk of Jeff Saturday). Cedric Benson is here now to get 2.5 yards a carry and cause Aaron Rodgers to mutter “fuck it” under his breath by the end of the first quarter. The Packers’ entire game strategy is to pass 70 times and hope the other team plays defense just a hair more atrociously than they do. Speaking of which …

3. The defense is horrible. Peter King says they lead the league in ponytails. There’s nothing here to indicate that this defense will be any better than it was last year. Charles Woodson is another year older. Dom Capers still has the worst combover in sports. And A.J. Hawk should go back to his day job of being personal security guard to Lee Donowitz in True Romance. People like Cris Collinsworth excuse this defense all the time by saying stuff like: “Well, this offense is just so good! When your offense is this good, your defense has no choice but to surrender 700 yards a game!” Wrong. No. People love to overrate shitty defenses on teams with great offenses. It baffles me to no end.

4. Remember: One concussion is all it takes. All it takes is one rabid d-lineman to toss Saturday aside, grab Aaron Rodgers’s fragile little head, and plant it down into the Earth’s inner core. That’s all it takes for this team to become worthless. Rodgers will retreat into a world of shadow and fog, never again able to clear the cobwebs from his diseased mind. He’ll spend weeks and weeks on the PUP list, with people asking when he’ll come back, and only a handful of people will know the truth: that he’s NEVER coming back, and that the Packers are about to sink into a second, prolonged Infante Age. You fatties deserve it.

Fuck you Green Bay. Grow up.

Keep doing you, Kate Upton

Posted: August 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

Literally just watched this video on mute while sitting in my cube. No idea what the hell she was talking about in it, nor do I care. I wouldn’t be surprised if the director shooting this video told her to go up there and talk about whatever the fuck she wants, because no one will actually be paying attention to the words coming out of her mouth. Kate Upton cannot be from this planet. Good God, how does a girl get so sexy? She is doing this whole modeling thing the right way. I’m sorry but I’m not trying to look at a bunch of anorexic broads who are made up of skin and bones, I’m trying to see a girl with some curves like the lovely Ms. Upton. Kate Upton would be the ideal girlfriend if it weren’t for the fact that she loves to bang professional athletes and is currently banging the biggest ace in baseball since (my favorite pitcher of the 90’s/movie star *Little Big League) Randy Johnson, the Detroit Tigers’, Justin Verlander, that lucky bastard. If only I were 6′ 5″ and could throw the ball like Rick “The Wild Thing” Vaughn, I would be in there like swimwear. Unfortunately for me, I’m white, pushing 5′ 10″ and play hockey. Anywho, if this video doesn’t make you want to motorboat those T’s for days, you may want to reevaluate your sexual orientation. I would do terrible, potentially unforgiveable things, to hang with Kate Upton for a night. I feel any man and potentially many women in America, who are not complete liars feel similarily about this. Kate Upton, keep doing your thang, girls gotta eat!

PS- Girls, I understand Kate Upton is not a realistic person to compare yourself to, so please don’t. You just keep doing you. Luh you ❤

– Swanny

(TMZ) U.S. Olympic track star Nick Symmonds just ran a mile in 5:19 … which isn’t very impressive … until you realize he chugged 4 BEERS along the way. Symmonds was gunning for the world record in something called the “Beer Mile” … which requires athletes to chug an entire “full-sized” brewski at the beginning of the race … and another full can of suds at every quarter-mile mark along the way. 28-year-old Symmonds — who finished 5th in the 800m race at the Olympics in London — was hoping to break the world record, 5:09, set by Canadian marathon legend Jim Finlayson.

The Olympics were just for tits and giggles, but the beer Olympics is where the actual glory comes from. U.S. Olympian, Nick Symmonds, placed fifth in the 800 meter in London but got first place in our hearts for trying to beat the world record of chugging 4 beers while running a mile. He had to start each lap around the track by slamming a beer and if he threw up his penalty was to run another lap and shotgun another beer… Unfortunately he didn’t beat the world record but what’s most important is he got drunk while attempting.
Finally we have something to aspire to. You and I both have to admit that we’re not good for anything but being able to shotgun a beer faster than a 300 pound frat boy and we’ve spent more time perfecting our flip cup strategy than studying for college. It’s only a matter of time before Beerfest becomes a reality and we’re in the middle of representing America as the greatest beer drinking country there is. “They’re not that drunk! They’re not that drunk!” Let’s shut Germany & Ireland up and keep putting our day drinking to good use because someday we’ll be next to Hope Solo and Michael Phelps dominating in beer darts. Let’s make it happen.
– Giselle

(TMZ) Prince Harry put the crown jewels on display in Vegas this weekend … getting BARE ASS NAKED during a game of strip billiards with a room full of friends in his VIP suite. 
It all went down Friday night during a raging party in a high rollers hotel suite.
We’re told Harry, along with a large entourage, went down to the hotel bar and met a bunch of hot chicks … and invited them up to his VIP suite. Once in the room, things got WILD … with the group playing a game of strip pool that quickly escalated into full-on royal nudity. 

Some of the partiers snapped photos of the madness. In one photo, a fully nude Harry cups his genitals while a seemingly topless woman stands behind him. In another photo, a naked Harry is bear-hugging a woman who appears to be completely naked as well. 
No word on who the women are … or if they got Harry’s phone number.A rep for the Royal Family tells us, “We have no comment to make on the photos at this time.”

First, he wears a Nazi SS uniform and gets shit for it, then he goes out on a bender in Vegas and blackouts waking up to his nudies all over the internet and people are just blowing this shit out of the water! Not only is he third in line for the throne, Prince Harry is gaining more publicity right now than anyone. I don’t know what the world is coming to when you cannot trust some rando you met in Vegas. I guess you really do find out who your friends are once alcohol and royalty are mixed in, huh Harry?… Welcome back to the states, you might as well just stay here since you’ve completely embarrassed your entire family and country for that matter. The kid just cannot catch a break; GINGERS CAN HAVE FUN, TOO! I never thought I would see the true definition of “family jewels” and I would like to thank you for that, Prince Harry. Hug it out? But in all seriousness, how rattled do you think the Queen is? That little old lady is bad ass and intimidating as hell. Even though she comes in at a staggering 5 foot 4, she’s not afraid of speaking her mind or showing her emotions and I respect that. She jumps out of helicopters with James Bond and Prince Harry parties hard in Vegas, talk about the best royal family ever.

The whole “What happens in Vegas” slogan has got to be 0 for 2948783756324 right now because although I have never had the honor of experiencing Vegas, I always hear of the craziest shit going down out there and I smell a lawsuit for false advertisement. Nothing ever stays there. Some things I hear about Vegas make me jealous; others make me want to thank my parents for my “sheltered” upbringing.  I give Prince Harry and his entourage two thumbs up for their recent actions.  Nothing says “we like to party” like a little strip pool in the VIP Penthouse after bars. My invite must have gotten lost in the mail… But, I wonder who won the race between Ryan Lochte and Prince Harry, (both in jeans) in a Vegas pool at 3 a.m.? I would put my money on royalty any day. Can you imagine if a fetus was conceived during this Vegas rager, talk about a Posh Ginger Sporty Scary Baby… yikes, I guess we will find out within the next couple weeks.

Random thought; is Prince Harry casting in Hangover 3 because I think that would be a clutch move on his behalf. He is now a total legend and I want to party with Prince Harry.

Leave it to Vegas to bring out ones’ true colors. Keep your head high Harry, or else your crown will fall.

– Jena

Disney could not have written a better script for what took place on the “Herb Brooks Rink” at the Schwann Super Rink in Blaine last night. The Burnsville Benders riding our #1 seed into the semi-final round of playoffs facing off against the #4 seed. Things were looking up, as always, until 2 hours before game time when our goalie (who will remain nameless and is now dead to us) lets us all know at 5:30PM that he won’t be able to make it to the 8PM game. Leaving us pretty much with an hour and a half to find a replacement for the biggest game of the season.

Unable to do so with such short notice, Danny “the brickwall” Hanson volunteers to strap up the pads for what would be forever known as ‘the greatest game ever played.’ It should go without saying, but a hockey tender has to be the most difficult position in all of sports to go out and play with absolutely zero experience. #1 you have an extra 20 lbs of pads strapped to your body, holding you down and #2 try facing 80mph slap shots for the first time and tell me you wouldn’t be a little intimidated #3 there is so much technique affiliated with the position that takes years to even pass as a legitimate goalie. This was DH’s moment and he took it by the horns and ran with it.

Fast forward to the 3rd period, 8 minutes left in the game. The Burnsville Benders are looking at their largest deficit of the season, down 6-2 and facing elimination, when a rebound is knocked home on a power play cutting the margin to 6-3. Minutes later, another garbage goal cuts the lead to 6-4. After trailing the whole game, the Burnsville Benders have new life. With about 4 minutes left in the game, we take a penalty and go short-handed. A minute into the penalty kill, we catch a break and counter their forecheck with a 3-2 of our own. Alex Jones brings the puck up along the boards, makes a solid cross-ice pass to yours truly, who then drops it back to the trailing Andy Pearson who absolutely snipes top-ched, glove side to pull within 1 with just minutes remaining. We can taste it.

I can’t even put into words how the tying goal was scored. With about 30 seconds left in the game. The puck was shot behind the net and ricocheted into the air behind the net. The goalie reached back over the net with his stick to try and bat the puck out the air, but instead ended up hitting the puck back towards him, which went off his back, and into the net. Game tied. 4 goal deficit erased.

The game winner was scored by Cullen Rowley on another garbage, rebound goal not even a minute into O.T. to cap off the greatest comeback of all time and send the Burnsville Benders to play for our first championship in franchise history. Walking back to the locker room, I literally found myself looking out for reporters to talk to about the glory that had just unfolded on the ice moments ago.

Championship game will be Tuesday, August 28th at 7:40PM at the Schwann Super Rink in Blaine on Rink 1. We are expecting an over-capacity crowd to be on hand with multiple local news outlets there to document the history about to take place, so get there early to guarantee yourself a good spot.

Also, all of our fans are invited to join the Benders after the game in the parking lot for some celebratory beers as we swap tales of the magical season.

Oh and Pucking Sports’ own, Jake Swansson, will be filling in between the pipes for the championship game. So look for that.

– Kinger

“Great moments are born from great opportunities.” – Herb

(Daily Mail)  A well-meaning octogenarian has stunned art experts after taking it upon herself to restore a treasured century-old fresco – with distinctly amateurish results. Elias Garcia Martinez’s depiction of Jesus has held pride of place in a Spanish church for more than 120 years. But over the past 18 months moisture in the church caused the fresco to deteriorate – prompting a local woman in her 80s to whip out her paintbrush and try and fix it herself. The elderly woman did not consult the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza before she set about transforming the once beautiful depiction of Christ into something that now resembles a character from Planet of the Apes. The church is always open to the public and the woman had completed her botched restoration job before anyone noticed what she was doing.

Now if you look really closely, you can actually see where the restorations were made. However, I think it might even be better than the original. You really have to appreciate the attention to detail that was displayed here. Absolutely flawless. Don’t really understand what everyone is so mad about. The church just saved a couple thousand by not getting it done professionally and basically had the painting restored identically back the the original (if not better) for free. It’s a win-win for all.  Love the attitude lady. When something needs to be done, you do it. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience with the subject and are ruining a treasured piece of artwork for an entire community. For all we know, this could actually be closer to what Jesus looked like.

But in all honesty, what the fuck was going through this lady’s head while she was painting this. You think she was thinking the whole time “Wow, everyone is going to be so happy and impressed with this. Shit, this is going even better than I thought it would. God damn, I am a great artist.”

Chicks.

– Kinger