Fifty Shades of Fucked Up (First blog by Jena)

Posted: August 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

A note from Kinger – This is the first post from Jena, the first female writer I’ve decided to give a chance to write for the site. I told her I’d give her a 2 week trial to see what she can bring to the table. Let me know how she does.

Oh to joy, Fifty Shades of Grey is still sweeping the nation. I would like to take this time to give a personal review/recap of what every vagina is talking about and what every penis has to live up to. Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed have been distributed, read, and put to good use by imaginations from coast to coast.  I cannot begin to explain what this trilogy has done for me over the past couple months, but I can tell you that they have NOT helped in lowering my standards in men. My “inner goddess” wants more, way more.  Growing up I was given the G-Rated version of Fifty Shades of Grey through the Disney classic, Cinderella. Low life Cinderella (Ana) finds the love of her life, the Prince (Christian Grey). Bing, bang, boom…that’s how babies are made! Currently neck n neck with Noah from The Notebook, Grey is successful, attractive, witty, and obviously a triple threat. God damn, I have lady wood just thinking about him. Christian Grey is just another imaginary character I cannot help but get a little obsessy over, and I know I have millions of others to back me up on this one. If this man were real, I would become the infamous STAGE FIVE CLINGER and I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. I’m not going to beat around the bush here, if Anastasia were to walk into Slims next week I would be THROWING daggers with my eyes. Granted, I would never get physical, but I’d kill that bitch with my words… just saying. Obviously, Anastasia has surpassed my jealousy for Kate Middleton by a long shot. Bravo Ana, bravo! Even the 76 year old lady who sells pull tabs at my bar is gaining a new definition of “sexual healing.” All I’ve got to say is that the baby boomers are about to get a swift kick to the noggin, and all of Christian’s “fifty shades of fucked up” are to blame. Talk about a panty dropper.

Oh and boys, when she’s about to climax from your sub-par performance, just know that Christian is the name she wants to belt out… not yours! Sorry, bro.

Christian Grey 1, Entire male population 0.

Laters, baby

– Jena

  1. Anonymous says:

    EPIC. I think having Jena write for you is the best thing to hit this website. She explained what every female thinks about every second, of every day.

  2. Anonymous says:

    being jenas best friend, and not at all being bias here, you made a GREAT decision bringing her on your team. this girl’s lack of a filter and witt will bring so much to your already great blog. bravo jen, im proud of you sunshine. MWAH!

  3. Anonymous says:

    LOVE LOVE LOVE, you made me cave, even though i said i wouldnt,im reading this.
    best decision pucking sports made is having jena !

  4. Anonymous says:

    Meh, not impressed. Not what i’m looking for when I come to

  5. Anonymous says:

    Love it!!!

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