Archive for February, 2013

So on my daily browsing around the internet looking at fucked up shit and hot bitties for purely academic reasons, I sometimes come across women with such admirable moral ASSets that I feel compelled to share them with you all. Coincidentally just like a certain popular song with the youth right now, I love bad bitches, and thats my fucking problem. Seriously though.. I have been in therapy for several years. Also if you don’t know what a ‘stable’ is, take your suburban cracker ass here to catch up.

Don’t get me wrong though, if we are ever walking down the street and we see one of these girls and she so much as glances in our general direction, even if its undeterminable that she was even looking at us, or its clearly the result of a giant gust of wind propelling her head in our direction against her will, I will not hesitate to get medieval on your ass to dupe wow her into a date with me.

Oh friendship… Is there anything more important?

Those that know me probably know that while I don’t discriminate, I do have a weakness for dimey brunettes. That being said it only seems appropriate we kick this off by featuring the absolutely smoking Melanie Iglesias. She’s a east coast girl, but perhaps after I send some photos of my Mel shrine I keep in my closet, complete with burning candles, magazine clippings and custom made love doll action figure, she will come visit us in the Twin Cities.

In the meantime you can catch her on MTV 2’s Guy Code or follow her on twitter @MelanieIglesias. Be sure to let her know DK sent you, and if she happens to respond with, ‘’Thanks, but who the fuck is this loser DK?’’, just laugh it off. Thats just classic Melanie. Cracking jokes, playing hard to get, pretending she’s never heard of me. It’s a ruse.. she clearly wants me.

– DK

(@D_K_Almighty)

DK’s Wild Wrap-Up

Posted: February 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

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So the wild continued their horrid away record this season by taking the D loss down south in the desert. Not that the Yotes are a joke at all, but this loss drops us to 4-4-1 (technically not a losing record), 1-3-1 against 2012 playoff teams, and 0-3-1 away from the X. We sit 10th in the west, 17th in the league. Luckily the Aves are mediocre at best and the Flames are little more than a prison of misery for good soldier Jarome Iginla and beast Miikka Kiprusoff (dude has played between 70-76 games every year in his NHL career), or we might be in the dungeon of the Northwest. We were outplayed and out-steezed by the Yotes. Seriously, these Alts are nasty.

As usual our first line were the bees knees and provided our scoring. As usual  we couldn’t get a single point from anyone else. Admittedly things looked a lot better. If it wasn’t for two close shots off the post and crossbar (PMB’s post was a freaking snipe) this game could have gone the other way. Still desperately seeking that physicality that we need to open up more space for our shooters, we can only hope that old man Rupp can come into the lineup on Thursday night and teach the rest of the lineup what it means to get in someones face. What better night to do it then against the hated Canucks. Parise could be the second coming of Gretzky/Jesus and ultimately its not going to make a difference if we are solely counting on him. At times the rest of the lines looked better, but its frustrating watching them seriously struggle to provide any backup. All it took was goals from Yotes’ forwards Lauri Korpikosk and Martin Hanzel in the first and second, both netting their 4th goals, good enough for 2nd in scoring on the wild and we were deader than backwards upside down visors. Trailing by 1 starting the 3rd it took us 12 minutes to even register a shot and we got a total of 4 in the third period. We received our only 2 power plays of the night during this period. Mike Smith is a good goalie, you have to shoot on him. 98% of our team should be kicked in the nuts repeatedly while watching the footage of themselves missing the net or passing up shots to the point that mere hesitation would result in instant flashback of this nut shattering trauma prompting them to fire at will. We would be better for it. Hanzel’s game winning goal was the result of a simple shot yielding a rebound with a skilled guy going to the net and putting it home. A triple deke with a toe drag spin-a-rama and lacrosse move while falling down is dope, but its not how 98% of goals in the NHL are scored (only 98% of my goals). Fire the puck, go hard to the net, make people move you. Fuck!!

Speaking of which our anemic offense is sitting at 2.22 goals per game, shitty enough for 26th in the league aka 5th from worse. Seriously if our offense was a commercial it would likely be a starving East African child staring at the camera while some first world B-list celebrity attempts to shame  you into sponsor them for as little as a dollar a day. The fly density around our malnourished body would be moderate to heavy, but not severe. That would be saved for the 30th ranked offensive team Nashville, the only team to beat us at home this year. Yeah! If we don’t get some serious secondary scoring, we are going to be calling the Vikings the most successful team in the state for this sports year… Yeah the Vikings, who engineered perhaps the ugliest and most terrible  3 and 9/10th quarters of football all year in their last game. (All hail AP DA God though.. He is our superman overlord that deserves every accolade he gets). I’m looking at you Settoguchi, Granlund, Cullen, Calvin Clutterbuck, Brodziak.

While we aren’t exactly Terry Toughnut at the X, I like to think that our fans legitimately propel us to get a little bigger and a little stronger and our record usually reflects this. Once we cross state lines we seem to lose our nuts and never want to impose our will on people. Im not saying we gotta drop the mitts every shift, but getting in someones face and letting them know that the Minnesota Wild don’t take shit from anyone would go a long way towards making us a team that the rest of the league hates playing against. This is not something we can simply rely on Kanopka to do, or Rupp when he gets here.. Its a mentality the whole squad has to adopt. If you want to crash our crease and put the heat on Backstrom or Harding, then you have to pay for every inch with a pound of flesh. The road to the division championship, and by default home advantage, goes through Vancouver. The last two teams to best vancouver were L.A. and Boston, both of which won the cup, both of which were noted for their extremely physical play. The Bruins practically bullied Vancouver, with their president’s trophy and highly touted offense, out of a stanley cup. This and this still remain some of my favorite clips in recent memory. Ok yes it is because I despise the Canucks, but also because if five foot nine Brad Marchand can be this physical, nasty, and hard to play against, theres no reason anyone on our team can’t either. Those Bruins had passion. Those Bruins won a cup. (Also look at that pussy Daniel, just taking it like a bitch).

Time to get nasty. Freak fucking nasty.

Now the season is still young, but how long before a trend becomes an identity? Management already realized we were looking soft and decided to toughen us up. Lets pray it works.

Side note: Get fucked Happy trails  to Nick Palmieri. He scored a nice goal at the pre-season scrimmage and was looking like a good prospect, but after not making the opening day roster he decided to throw a tantrum and refuse to report to the Houston Aeros. Presumably burning bridges all throughout the organization it was only a matter of time before he was outtie 5000. He joins the ranks of ex-wild members Brent “I hope the wild never wins another game’’ Burns and human stain Marek Zidlicky/lichky, or whoever the fuck you pronounce his name, on the list of ex-Wild who can get bent. I hope Palmieri, with his 2 way contract, does not make the Rangers and spends some time in Hartford developing his game, with his only experience on or near Broadway being in a back alley where a gang of roaming neo-thugs take his wallet and manhood at gunpoint. Harsh? Perhaps, but don’t fuck with our guy Yeo.

PLUS: How could it realistically be anyone else but our homegrown stud Zach Parise. Quite frankly besides last game (1-3 L vs Ducks) he has been better than even advertised. On pace for 32 goals and 53 points in only 48 games, it is safe to say that at this point that our collective ass would have been grass and the rest of the conference would have been smoking it, if it was not for our $98m man. Parise’s strike was also his 200th career goal in the NHL.

EVEN: So the 4th line last night seemed to come with a lot of energy last night and actually got some legitimate chances. It seemed a lot like Setoguchi and Granlund got some fire in their bellies after being relegated to the bottom line. While I liked their work, without contribution to the score sheet they can only remain even.

Jonas Brodin has looked crisp too, looking like our best defensmen, all while being too young to drink. His poise has been a example for the rest of our squad.

MINUS: Ryan Suter

Now I was always more partial to Shea Weber, but I think that is because he is just nasty, and thus gets most of the coverage. Like when he saw fit to crush Hank Zetterberg’s face into the glass several times last spring. Obviously Suter is an all star and bound to bounce back, not to mention he has only 9 games under his belt in a new system and with new D partners, but you can’t tell me that we weren’t all expecting something a little at this stage. Perhaps it’s Parise making him look like a bum in comparison, but the stats don’t lie. Suter is a team worst -7 which is bad enough for, and I shit you not, 659th (of 665) skaters in the NHL. He has 4 assists for 4 points, so he is averaging 0.4 points per game. I’m sure the stats will come, but we gotta remember we gave this guy so much money that it could hinder our blue line for years if he doesn’t step up. Right now I would simply be happy if he would use that big frame to aggressively clear the crease. Get some of that Weber in you. Get mean. For now we will patiently wait.

Until next game,

– DK

Also if you don’t follow me on twitter, you do now. It’s how im livin’

DK

We’re back bitches

Posted: February 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

Step away from the ledge foks!!! We are back. Pry yourself from the depths of that dark corner you have been hold up in, facing the wall, sobbing, wondering when we would return to bring you the jeanius only we are capable of.

Some would say we just had a super hectic winter break filled with models, hotels, VIPs, late nights, bottle service, running the streets and changing the face of the rap game.. you know, the usual for us.

Others would say we were simply lazy as fuck, and couldn’t drag our worthless asses of the couch and our trigger fingers away from the mouse we were controlling our Warcraft avatars with.

I will leave the choice up to you. Choose wisely.

So just like last semester we will be hitting you upside the head with daily updates, including a new feature following the Minnesota Wild games, moves and general NHL news now that the entitled bastards owners have let the boys lace em up once again.

It’s real simple, instead of standing around finger popping each other’s eaassholes, hit up the site, peep impeccable blogging and support your local boys. We truly appreciate your support and I promise as soon as we get national syndication from ESPN/TSN we will wait at minimum 4 – 6 hours before we start acting like we are above you and refusing to sign autographs.

Anyway to celebrate us being back I leave you with my 2nd favorite GIF of all time. Ya boy Drake AKA drizzay getting popped during his illustrious Degrassi career.

130053_o

If you ask me, lets just play this over and over in congress and let them decide the gun debate that way. On one side you have terrible life altering consequences of guns being in the wrong hands.

On the other hand you have pure hilarity. Look at the shooters face… That’s the grimace of a natural born killah. Also kewl Haircut bro.

Also we now have undisputable GIF evidence that Canadian high schools are dangerous havens for nerd on singer rapper violence. The THIRD most deadly type of violence.

– DK

(@D_K_Almighty)